In regards to my last post, my life truly isn't doom and gloom. That's not to say that everythings roses, but in my own little way I'm happy. The last couple of months Morgan and I were together was when I was really upset. It's difficult to watch something completely unravel and know that it will not stop. We tried couples counseling and that is were I learned how unhappy I was. During a session Morgan said that her needs were not being met. I sat in my chair thinking about that and realized that I don't met her needs nor does she meet mine. In the end we are not right for one another. She needs to be taken care of 24/7 and I'm the opposite. I needed a life outside of the home and work. This could have been damn near anything, a long drive, a drink at a bar, shooting a game of pool, etc. She needed me at home when I wasn't at work for well nothing really. In the end I simply got burned out after 4 years of not doing what I wanted. That sounds selfish and maybe it is. So as far as her and I go, I'm glad it's over. As most of you know I tried to end the relationship many times but always went bad. My children are a different story. My current situation parrells my parents. Dad leaving, Mom raises a boy and girl. What I struggle with now is not becoming my father. He and I didn't speak for 13 years and it took the death of my Mom for us to communicate. I know (after living with Dad for 4 months) that although we are a lot alike, we are vastly different. It upsets me that I don't see Julian enough and I fear that I'm becoming my father and that's not the case. As for my recent feelings about my Mom, she and I didn't have a very good relationship until I moved out. After leaving the nest and becoming an adult I saw things in a different perspective and in turn developed a great deal of respect. In the end I told Mom everything good and bad. If I was wrong she would call me on it. In a sense she became my moral compass. So lately, giving everything that has happened I feel cast adrift. Having said that I know what advice she would give me so that's what I'm going to do. My Dad and Step-Mom have been great during all of this. I've been living in there house rent free and have become a drain on the food and utilities bill. Not once have either of them pressured me or made me feel unwelcome. Quite the opposite. In fact yesterday my Step Mom and I set up the christmas tree and I help clean the house. What I don't get from either of them is conversation. This is a two way street and I don't offer anything and they don't ask.
So in conclusion I'm down but not out. Besides I always learn valuable lessons from my self made prisons.
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